Hi, wow it has been a while!! Last time I wrote here was in SEPTEMBER!! A lot has happened since then, I’m suffering but I am going back to me!!!!! Finally!! And the birds are singing, actually I buried a bird a hour ago!! The cats killed him, so i shoveled the dirt in the dark and cold (super fun!!) and talked to her(i seriously am struggling to really feel what gender this bird is lol) a bit. I told the dead bird some things about the world, I don’t remember everything. I looked at her for a moment as I placed her on the dirt. I took a picture, it was just so beautiful. Fly high little bird, you will be okay!!

Anyways, yes it has a been a while! Start of September was already horrible, seriously really!! Then there was a huge incident that happened Friday the 13th,, it changed a lot of things but I am glad it did!! By the end of the month I was in a serious depressive episode and I had no weed,, how terrible!! The world was seriously turning black and white, and I never felt like doing anything. And I complained and complained it was annoying, I wish someone could understand the pulling and nagging in my head to the point it hurt so badly I couldn’t comprehend or say anything. October came along I was in what they call a horrible psychotic episode!! I’ll have to explain this all one day, when I start to connect more of everything. But I could have swore I was possessed!! But it’s hard to explain when I am ill, how sad!! Just because I am sick and presented to be human, does not mean you have my soul and see and hear and feel everything differently.

At this time, I was so frustrated because I couldn’t write poems and other wonderful things like I did late of this summer!! Instead I wrote desperately, chaotically trying to spit everything out!! I have a lot of scary words written on my phone on the notes app that I hope I can fully translate one day to understand everything!!

November came along!! Chaotically and painfully laughing and crying!! I cut myself quite a few times,(plus the huge relapse in the end of October!!) I was not okay. And I started to realize I am and have always been alone on this world!! But don’t misunderstand!!! It was also great because I learned a lot of new things and I have been creating like crazyyy!! Writing chaotically in my composition notebook AND drawing crazy cool raw unfiltered things!! And most importantly I’m going back to me!! And this ladybug the other night, December 1st, told me about my new beginning and my strong bond in love (which was crazy,, I had just sent a message to my boyfriend at the same time!!). Oh yeah, I also pray to God!! Yes yes he’s real!! I will also explain that another day, plus I am still learning a lot!! I was not alone because of God!!! When I pray I can feel and see and hear everything and I know everything will be okay and I’m going to do great,, dying and dying and dying so I can be alive one day too!! Also real weed is great(bud or live rosin!!)

I’m learning to balance everything, and try not to use anything for an escape!! It’s great, I also even started studying!!! I really want to get my ged, maybe even before my birthday!! AAAH!! Sorry I’m a little excited because I know I will be okay one day!! But seriously, I don’t think I’m okay, but I’m trying to figure out everything!! I stopped relying on professionals and people and I know some people may judge and think I’m crazy and stupid, but you don’t seem to understand~? Life isn’t about always feeling great, but it is also not about living with so many illnesses! How do I explain?? I know I am ill and have a lot of serious problems, but I can figure it out myself and It really makes me feel better even when I feel like i’m dying, since I don’t feel connected to people, i’m different, its crazyyy!! How do I expain??!! I’m still too stupid to explain anything and humans are stupid because they don’t know anything, how sad!!

I will seriously be okay and i will voice myself to the world one day, and discover me most importantly!!

God helps me a lot, I know I’m not alone. He’s listening and I hear him!!

And my boyfriend, he means the world to me (and i’m the moon). And I LOVE HIM SO MUCCHHH!! LA LA LA LA LA~! , my love do you see meeee????? Yeah I really miss him, it has been almost exactly 5 months, I miss him more than anything and I care about him over everything. Seriously I cant explain how much he means to me, I can’t lose him no. I would die, my heart would stop beating from all the hurting!! It’s okay, I’ll talk about him another day!! There is so much to say about everything, but I thought about this more than anything!! I will always be there for him, angelssss cryingggg silentlyyyyyy!!!

Okay well, I’m excited to start using my blog again!! And I’m still working on customizing the website lol, but I will post all types of different art, including different formats and some of my styles of writing!!! I have been tweeting on twitter since the end of October , and I have 889 tweets!! Wow!! I keep to myself and write down all my thoughts,, and a lot of it is really beautiful so I will definitely add some to future pieces!!

It’s 23:32, I’m going to close my laptop soon, I need to sleep for more studying tomorrow!! Then by my birthday in the second month of 2025, I will start looking into jobs again and find something that works for me!! (I still need to be considerate to my illnesses)!! Goodnight humans, sleep well!! I will pray to God tonight, I will try to reach him again!! Take care of yourself!! :3

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